Umm hmm… i got this!
You never know where help comes from when faced with emotional pain. It can come from a simple thought.
It was mid October. I had skills, decent work ethics, was a team player, but the company received orders from headquarters for massive downsizing. I worked as a report writer for an electrical engineer safety testing lab, and the cost reduction plan eliminated my position. The engineers could write their own reports, they decided. The proverbial writing had long been on the wall, but the section manager stalled her orders, trying to give me time to find another job. Fast forward, she came to my cubicle that afternoon with tears in her eyes, AND it was protocol to walk me out of the building. I sat in my car, numb, and since it was too early to go home, one son down the street in daycare, I pulled out, drove a block up and parked in front of a sandwich shop, I was going to get a quick bite. Before I got out of the car, a dark, f'real thought fell,
"What are you doing? Acting like things are normal. You don't have a job!" All kinds of emotions; fear and dread at the top, began to take hold. My armpits got sweaty, my head hurt, and my stomach turned. While I sat there, mind racing: responsibilities, failure, now unemployed. My breathing was shallow, anxiety building, and all I could get out of my mouth was a two word prayer, "Lord, help!" Next thing I knew, my shoulders relaxed and I started to breathe again with a new thought, "Umm Humm, I got this." That was it, a gift...I didn't know how or have a miraculous plan for the next step, all I knew in the moment was that I would get through this day, that was enough. Like the image I was feeling like the dried out section of the gated shrub, but like on the other side of the same shrub, I had life, purpose, skills. The roots were strong under the plant, same roots, good roots. Someone later said, "You were looking for a job when you found this one."
This new thought, "Umm Humm, I got this" a shifting thought, is an example of equilibrating; a term in the science of integrated attachment theory, simply defined, it means doing something to achieve a state of emotional and physiological regulation when stressed. For me that day it was just a thought, a just enough in the moment thought, without the how or what to do next, needed to face what threatened the onslaught of a full blown panic attack. The thought gave permission to allow some space, press pause to breathe and prepare the next step for how to rebuild. Rebuilding would and did follow. You can borrow it if you'd like. "Ummm Humm, I got this."
